CJ Penn's Online Writing Hangout

The reason I write: To promote Christian truth and help Jesus get His Christianity back.

Category Archives: Freedom


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Chasing Peace – Day 22

I wish I had more patience. I want to be at the end of this journey… NOW. I want true and un-interrupted peace… now. The past several days have been filled with sporadic peace and intense stress. I’m running, but I can’t always stay ahead the stress.

For example, take that tension-filled meeting at work yesterday…

I was doing just fine, with my mind focused on the Spirit of Jesus within me, sitting there with me in the midst of that chaos. I felt like I was holding up a shield to protect myself from the tension, a shield held in place by my surrender to Jesus. I figured as long as I kept my mind focused on my being surrendered to Him, I would be protected from the stress that filled the room. I was right of course. But I think my restless mind was feeling feisty.

Someone in the meeting said something that my “self” just couldn’t ignore, and I dived right into the middle of that stress-pit with everyone else. I just had to open my mouth, didn’t I?

You know, this surrender stuff really takes a lot of humility. I’ve got to stop thinking of my self and my precious opinion. I’m beginning to like the idea of keeping my mouth shut. What was it I read in the Bible… “Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.” (James 1:26)

Keeping a rope on my tongue – now that’s a good way to escape stress and find peace. Humility; that’s what I need. Humility will keep my tongue tied up. I just wish pride wasn’t such a basic part of my nature. Surrender… with surrender to the Spirit of Jesus, I believe He will fill me with His humility. Now that’s what I need.

You know, one thing that’s changed in me over these past 22 days is that whenever I feel stress invading my senses, my mind runs to Jesus. Sometimes I don’t run fast enough. But I like that I’m running in the right direction.

 

← Day 18                    Day 25 →

 


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Chasing Peace – Day 18 – What the…?

That’s not what I expected.

I wanted to escape stress. Specifically, the stress-pit I tend to fall into everyday at work. And then God showed me a new way to look at this; to escape stress by chasing after peace. And then God showed me that I will catch true peace when I surrender my self to the Spirit of Jesus within me. I’ve been on this journey for 18 days now.

And now that I’m feeling a taste of surrender, Jesus is starting to fill me with Himself, and His Love! My selfish ways seem to be fading. And His Love is consuming and filling me with a compassion for everyone who does not feel His love themselves.

The Church. His Church. It’s hurting. It’s wounded. It’s aching to be filled with His love. But much of the church has wandered from the path of surrender. Much of the church has surrendered to manmade rules, and traditions, and concerns, and agendas – rather than surrendering to the Spirit of Jesus.

Oh, the church worships Jesus, but have they become Jesus? The true church, as Jesus designed it, is the collection of believers in whom His Spirit lives – we are His Temple, His Church.

Where will this go? Where is Jesus taking me? My journey to find peace is shaking up my life.

Dear Jesus, your Love is greater than life. My life is yours. Thank you. Now let’s go heal wounds… with Your Love.

 

← Day 17                    Day 22 →

 


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Chasing Peace – Day 17

There’s always something to feel guilty about. Sucks. Yesterday, day 17 of my journey to find peace, I was haunted by a memory that filled me with guilt. I hate that feeling. But part of the misery of guilt is my feeling that I deserve to feel miserable. I’m so messed up.

But then I remembered this new path I’m on in this journey, my path to absolute surrender to Jesus. And as soon as I focused my mind on my surrender to Jesus, the misery of guilt disappeared. Now this was weird, because Jesus was one of the people I had hurt in my memory of guilt. But then it hit me…

Surrender to Jesus is freedom from guilt. Guilt is surrender to memories of the past. Instead of surrendering to the past, surrender to the Spirit of Jesus, within you. With Him there is no guilt; only love, and peace.

Surrender is so freeing.

 

← Day 16                    Day 18 →

 


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Chasing Peace – Day 16

Chasing peace? I now think the truth is that peace is chasing me; always has been. Yesterday, day 16 of my journey to find peace, and peace found me. As I mentioned in my entry for Day 14, I just started re-reading Absolute Surrender, by Andrew Murray. And my eyes, and heart, are opening.

I now see that all along I may have been running away from peace. For my selfish and independent nature always led me away from the idea of surrender, even though my mind has told me for years that I want to surrender. Yet I now believe, with certainty, that true peace only comes from absolute surrender of my life and self to the Spirit of Jesus.

How am I so certain? Well, I surrendered yesterday, for a little while anyway. And I felt absolute peace in the midst of my chaotic world. Oh, my journey hasn’t ended – I don’t think it ever will. For surrender is not just something I can turn on, like a light switch. As I said, I’ve wanted to surrender for years, but I didn’t know how. I’m still not sure. But I think it has to do with love. So my journey continues.

But now that I’ve had a taste of my goal, I’m hungrier than ever.

Dear Jesus, today I surrender all that I am to you, and your love. For it’s your love that conquers my selfish and independent nature. I love you. CJ

 

← Day 14                    Day 17 →

 


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Chasing Peace – Day 14

The past two days I felt more like I was chasing stress, than peace. And stress was easily caught.

I’ve been feeling dry, worn out, and helpless. It’s desolate in the bottom of this stress-pit. In my efforts to escape stress, I seem to be drawn back into it. Like there’s a slimy arm with tentacles clutching my leg and pulling me back into the pit whenever I climb out. I’m tired of surrendering to the monster in the stress-pit.

And then last night I remembered a book I’ve read several times. But it was many years ago. Absolute Surrender, by Andrew Murray. So this morning I read chapter 1. No more surrendering to the stress-pit. I choose to surrender to God and His Spirit within me… and the peace He promises me.

All that is me and everything I have is God’s. With that thought in my mind and hope in my heart, here I step into a new day of chasing peace.

 

← Day 12                    Day 16 →

 


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Chasing Peace – Day 12

When you fall in love with someone, you think about them ALL the time. I remember when I fell in love with the young woman who eventually agreed to marry me – I don’t think she ever left my conscious thought. And her constant presence in my mind filled me with joy and excitement. I smiled a lot.

Day 12 on my journey to find peace – I’m a slow and stubborn learner. The truth of lasting peace has been right in front of me. Though it doesn’t feel real and complete to me yet, I feel I’ve known it all along. Peace comes from constantly thinking of Jesus. And the ability to keeping Jesus in my thoughts, and feeling the presence of His Spirit, comes from my love for Him. As my growing love for my wife filled me with joy, my growing love for Jesus fills me with peace.

Yet yesterday, day 12, was just okay. I did feel a few moments of deep peace. And the truth is becoming clearer to my stubborn mind. But now I’m about to step into another Monday. I dread Monday’s.

Why does it feel like knowing the true path to peace doesn’t help me get there? I sometimes feel like there’s a battle going on inside me, especially on Monday’s. Something wants to keep my soul in chaos and my stomach in knots. Why? Maybe that’s where I need to go next on my journey. What do you think?

 

← Day 11                    Day 14 →

 


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Chasing Peace – Day 11

Jesus… He in me, and I in Him. (John 14:20) What’s it mean? The He in me part I can visualize. I can see in my minds eye the Spirit of Jesus actually here within my body, sharing space with my soul, keeping constant company with my spirit.

Yet I’ve tended to ignore the I in Him part, maybe because I don’t understand it. But for some reason, I thought about it yesterday morning as I was getting ready to continue my journey chasing peace.

Maybe I in Him means that I’m a part of Jesus’ life, like He is a part of my life. I’m surrounded by Jesus – He’s everywhere, inside and out. I like this. It feels good to me, and right. And hey, Jesus is in you, and you are in Jesus – what does this mean to you?

Well, with Jesus in me, and I in Him, I stepped back onto the path of my journey to peace. Day 11 was a good day.

 

← Day 10                    Day 12 →

 


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Chasing Peace – Day 10

If you read my Day-9 entry, you’ll see that I crashed. One of my “tricks” for escaping stress and finding peace wasn’t working. I’d been telling myself that all my tasks at work are meaningless – all the stuff that tightens my chest and fills me with stress. What’s more meaningful are my relationships with my co-workers. This new way of thinking had been helping me, for a while.

Yet the stress-machines at work sure haven’t been feeling meaningless lately. They’ve been exerting their ever-present power over me. And then yesterday, Day 10 of my journey, I was thinking about this meaningless idea as I drove home from another day in the stress-pit. And oh so glad it was Friday.

Anyway, it occurred to me that I don’t really believe that all those work tasks are meaningless. I’d been trying to lie to myself.

Look, it’s simple. All my tasks and all the tasks that my co-workers do, help contribute to the success of our little company. And everyone there is relying on that success for a paycheck. Enough said. I can’t dodge the meaning of people’s livelihoods.

I’m confusing myself. But maybe I’m getting closer; closer to an answer. Forget the tricks. Forget trying to con myself. There’s only one path to the peace I’m seeking… Jesus.

 

←Day 9                    Day 11 →

 


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Chasing Peace – Day 9

“Having fun with Jesus.” That was my focus yesterday, Day 9 of my journey to escape stress and find peace. As often as my feeble mind would think of it, I’d look inside myself and ask Jesus what we could do next that would be fun. Yes, I even found fun at work, and it always involved interactions with other people.

But then in the afternoon, I crashed, and fell headfirst into the stress-pit. I found myself staring at my work to-do list; the list where new things are added faster than old things are crossed off. That list seemed to grab hold of my chest and squeeze. The tension I’d been running from had caught up with me, and tackled me. It sucked.

I’d been telling myself while on this journey that all the stuff on my to-do list is meaningless. My idea was to try and take away the power the list has over me. But it wasn’t working. For something so meaningless, it sure killed any peace I had been feeling. The fun was gone.

Oh Jesus, please help me. Pull me out of this pit I’ve dug and fill me with your peace; the peace that goes far beyond my ability to understand. I’m helpless. I know I can’t do this without you. But this knowledge isn’t helping me right now. I need something more. Please.

 

← Day 8                    Day 10 →

 


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Escaping Stress… Chasing Peace – Day 8

I’ve tried this kind of thing before – I’m always looking for another method to feel closer to Jesus and fill my life with peace. Whatever new trick I try, it usually soon fades from my mind and I fall back to my robotic and habitual ways of slogging my way through life.

But this time is different. I’ve never written a daily blog post about my experience. It’s helping me stay focused and on track, keeping me from losing sight of my goal. And I have a hope that this journal of my journey will help some of you who read about it.

Anyway, yesterday – day 8 of my journey in search of lasting peace – was a very good day. If you read Day 7’s entry, you’ll see that I started off in a goofy mood – always a good way to start any day. Since I often take things in life too seriously, it helps to swing to the opposite end of the spectrum.

But the best part about yesterday, as always, was the feeling of the presence of Jesus. As I went about the day, I frequently looked inside to His Spirit within, and I thanked Him for being with me. I realize now that a big part of yesterday was my feeling of gratitude.

And I frequently chatted with Jesus about what was going on at work. We talked mostly about my co-workers. And since I wanted to hold onto my sense of goofiness, we plotted little jokes and funny things to say. We had fun helping others lighten up yesterday. For those with a sense of humor, it was easy. But for the more serious people, like the managers, many of them were not in the mood for silliness. Yet my hope is that the peace they saw in me somehow gave them a taste of peace for themselves.

One unexpected outcome of me focusing more on Jesus than the stress-machines at work is that I’ve been more productive at work. I think I’ve known this all along, but stress reduces my productivity.

Please consider joining me on this journey. Or rather, step off on your own personal journey in search of lasting peace. Have you done this already? How’s it going? What’s working for you? Please share with others… it helps us all. Thanks.

 

←Day 7                    Day 9 →

 


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Escaping Stress… Chasing Peace – Day 7

Yesterday – day 7 of my journey to escape stress – was good. Better than day 6. Ironically, I think part of the reason was that I was more tired than usual… kind of groggy all day. When I’m like that, I’m in my whatever state. Meh, whatever, I don’t care. I love my whatever mind… so peaceful.

But it wasn’t my dull mind that brought me peace. My mind was dull to the stress-machines at work, which somehow made it easier for me to focus on the real presence of Jesus. Seeing and feeling Jesus within me is what brought me peace. More often than usual, I found myself frequently closing my eyes and visiting with Jesus. One time I barely opened my eyes in time to see my boss walk in… “Sleeping on the job CJ?” That would have been slick.

And then last night… something new smacked my mind. There’s some psychological thing that says that focusing on what you want to avoid will just bring you closer to what you want to avoid. Some law of negative reinforcement thing? I don’t know. But if my goal is to escape stress, I wonder if even using that word is hindering me. Well, I believe it could. So from now on, instead of escaping stress, I’m chasing peace. Hence the title change.

And for me, the formula for chasing peace is simple – focus on Jesus, from where all peace flows. Yet the execution of this formula is the hard part. Because it requires me to change my mind. And just ask my wife; it’s hard for me to change my mind sometimes.

But bring on day 8. Peace, I know you’re out there. You can’t escape me (too cocky… chill). The caffeine has kicked in, but I’m still feeling kind of groggy… and goofy. I like it.

 

←Day 6                    Day 8 →

 


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Escaping Stress – Day 6

Since I blew it on day 5, Sunday, I spent more time than usual yesterday morning quietly praying with Jesus. And I was surprised when I felt myself looking forward to going to work. I was excited about the interactions I would have with other people, even in the midst of the chaos that Monday promised. Now that’s not how I usually start off a Monday.

Well, day 6 of my journey to escape stress was just okay. Nothing special. I miss those first days of my journey, where the progress seemed large and the experience was fun. Yesterday I felt I was falling back to my old ways… at least a bit. I realize now that I was putting too much importance into the things of work, the tasks and projects and schedules and deadlines and all those problems. I let it all take hold and control my feelings. And I now see that when I let all that stuff take hold of me, it blinds me to the presence of the Spirit of Jesus within me. I can’t see Jesus because of the wall of work-stuff that holds me prisoner in my self-dug stress-pit. Oh, I tried looking for Jesus a lot yesterday, but the wall kept blocking my view. I can’t see Jesus when my mind is focused on the stuff.

But thanks to yesterday, my path to escaping stress is becoming clearer… I think. Maybe trying to explain it will bring it more into focus. Let’s see… well, I think I need to do three things at the same time:

  • I need to consider all the work-stuff as meaningless so it cannot take hold of my reactions and consume my attention;
  • I need to focus on the Spirit of Jesus within me, and let Him control my emotions and reactions. And He will help keep the wall from rising again.
  • And I need to totally trust Jesus to take control. I need to give myself to Him.

And then there’s the fourth thing that helps me. With my life’s meaning all about Jesus rather than work-stuff, I want to give more meaning to my other relationships, and my interactions with my co-workers. This fourth thing helps distract me from the stress-inducing stuff.

Day 7 here I come; though a little weary as I go. This takes effort. But I’m so tired of living in that dreary stress-pit – I don’t want to give up. Please pray for me, as I pray for you. Thanks.

 

← Day 5                    Day 7 →

 


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Escaping Stress – Day 5

Yesterday, day 5 on my journey to escape stress. Sunday. The day before Monday. Typically my most stressful day of the week. You see, I suffer from chronic The Day Before Monday Blues Syndrome. Have for years. It may be Sunday, but my mind tends to live in Monday and the stress-pit that is work. The only reason Sunday is more stressful than Monday, is that it feels like I’m wasting a day off of work. I’m tired of this crap. I want my Sunday to be filled with peace, not stress. That’s partly why I’m on this journey.

Well, I made a mistake yesterday. I rushed into day 5 without Jesus. I skipped my morning quiet time with God. And if you’ve been following my journey, you know that my secret to escaping stress is to start the day quietly with God and Jesus.

Oh I know… skipping quiet time with God on Sunday, of all days!? Well, I don’t attend church, as you may know. I haven’t for, oh, five years I think. But that’s no excuse, just a fact. As I’ve learned every other day of the week, I don’t need church on Sunday to help me get connected with God and Jesus.

Anyway, from the reading on my Stress-O-Meter, yesterday was okay. No worse than a typical Sunday. But I think it was a good reminder – and I need constant reminding – that I can’t escape stress alone. I need constant intimate contact with the Spirit of Jesus, here within me.

Are you on your own journey to escape stress? How’s it going? What’s working for you?

 

← Day 4                    Day 6 →

 


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Escaping Stress – Day 4

One of my secrets to avoiding stress is to focus on relationships and interactions with people, rather than stress-inducing stuff. But what will I do when a relationship is the source of my stress? Oh well, I’ll have to wait and see when it happens, for it certainly will.

Yesterday, day 4 of my journey to escape stress: I started out a bit nervous about the weekend. Oh, I understand my stress at work. But I have a talent for making weekends stressful too. I think it comes from my desire to make the most of my “free” time. There’s irony there, for I end up becoming a prisoner of my weekend free time. I’m driven to fill every minute with checking off items on my to-do list, and that drive breeds stress.

But thanks to my focused effort to escape stress, yesterday was different. The most stressful part of my day was when I read the final chapter in the book The Martian, by Andy Weir – you know, the Matt Damon movie. Except for those tense moments a few miles above Mars, yesterday was pretty stress-free.

And that’s because I followed the same path I was on at work last week. I tried to ignore my to-do list and just focus on each moment. Oh, I still did chores, but they’d lost their power over me. And, I focused on putting all I could into each interaction with other people – for people have more meaning than chores.

But most importantly, my mind kept drifting back to the Spirit of Jesus within me. I found myself thinking about Jesus more frequently than on a typical Saturday. And I think this is because the tingling of approaching stress has become a trigger for me, automatically sending my mind inward, to Jesus. And when I’m with Jesus, there is no stress… only peace.

I just hope I don’t lose hold of this. As I type this, it’s Sunday morning – sometimes my most stressful day of the week. Stay tuned.

 

← Day 3                    Day 5 →


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Escaping Stress – Day 3

Note to self: beware of relying on my own strength. As soon as I stop relying on the Spirit of Jesus to guide me on my journey to escape stress, I start to fall, and fail. I can’t do this on my own.

Oh, that’s right… I need my old friend humility. That will help me escape stress. Humility will help me rely on Jesus rather than myself. And humility will help me focus on the needs of others, rather than myself, which will help me focus more on my relationships (rather than myself).

But shortly after noon yesterday, I was beginning to feel overwhelmed by all the stuff I still needed to do before I could leave work and begin to enjoy the weekend. My chest started to tighten – typical stress symptom for me. But I caught myself, closed my eyes, visualized the Spirit of Jesus inside me, and the tension immediately melted away. And I smiled. So cool. I’m having fun on this journey to escape stress.

I now know how it feels to be at peace even in the midst of chaos. Oh, I may have experienced this before, but I’d forgotten how it is when I don’t feel my usual internal tension, while the external tension is so deep I could drown in it.

Are you following me on this journey to escape stress? Are you trying some of the things I’m trying? If so, how is the journey going for you? Please let us know.

Thanks, CJ

 

← Day 2                    Day 4 →

 


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Escaping Stress – Day 2

I deceived myself yesterday. Oh, in my effort to escape the stress of work, I indeed focused on my interactions with co-workers, rather than the stress-pit of problems that fills my work day. But then I caught myself, though too late.

I snuck into the infrequently-stocked pantry at work and pocketed a sugar-filled cereal bar, twice. On a good day, I have no problem resisting sweets. But not yesterday. It’s a sure sign of stress – I run to sugar. Crap.

But the day wasn’t all sugar and stress. I did have some good moments. For example, I told two co-workers about my new approach to work; to turn my back on the stress-machines that are all the tasks and projects and problems of work, and instead focus on my new meaning for work… my relationships with co-workers. I think letting other people know about my journey will help motivate me to keep going. Maybe my efforts, and hopeful success, will help them on their own journey to escape the stress of work.

By the way, though I try to ignore the problems at work, I still get my work done, and more effectively than when I’m all stressed out. But the work itself has no meaning for me beyond the opportunity it gives me to have relationships with some really neat people.

Well, that’s on a good day. And as I said, yesterday had some problems. My mind seemed to easily loose hold of the secret.

So this morning, before stepping into Day 3 of my journey, I went back to the beginning, to my first blog post written on the morning I started on this journey (see it here), and I also read yesterday’s post. So today, before hitting the trail, I remind myself of my secret to escaping stress:

  1. The day starts when I take the time to push all the early-morning distractions out of my mind (usually thoughts about work), and rest in my quiet time with the Spirit of Jesus within me.
  2. The problems of work and life are meaningless.
  3. Meaning comes from being a light for Jesus, shinning His love on other people. Meaning comes from relationships.
  4. Never go into an interaction with someone alone. Always visualize the Spirit of Jesus with me, guiding me and encouraging me.

Okay, I think I’m ready to step off into Day 3. But first, I have a question for you, and I really hope you’ll share an answer. How do you escape stress? What has worked for you?

Thank you, CJ

 

← Day 1                    Day 3 →

 


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Another Day in the Parking Lot

parking lot

Another lunch hour when I’m able to free myself from the hungry grip of work and grap some time alone. But not really alone. I drove to the nearby office park with the half-empty parking lot. My usual tree-shaded parking space is open. It takes a few minutes to quiet my mind and flush out all the work noise. But soon, here comes the Holy Spirit into my thoughts, here to share my lunch with me, and my writing time. I enjoy taking these writing breaks in the middle of my workday, when I can.

Oh, here come those two women who like to walk the loop around this large parking lot. The dark-haired one is doing the talking, as usual. And she’s whining again about something. She’s always whining, at least every time I see her. I feel sorry for her. She seems to have so much to complain about.

Dear Jesus, please help the dark-haired woman find peace. Please help her find freedom from complaining. I suspect you won’t remove her problems, the things she likes to complain about. But she could find true joy in the freedom that comes from letting go of her problems.

Lord, you’ve opened my eyes to this freedom and joy. Oh, I still complain, but not as much as I used to, before I let you into my heart. Thank you for coming in and healing my self-inflicted wounds. I’m so grateful.


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Religion verses Christianity

Pinocchio

Religion is complicated; Christianity is simple.

Religion is often burdensome; Christianity is freedom.

Religion is often false; Christianity is the truth.

Religion is manmade; Christianity is God-made.

Where religion is rules, Christianity is a relationship, built on a foundation of love.

Religion should be considered as a set of tools, not rules. Religion should work for you, not you for it. Yet sadly, man’s prideful ways have turned the table and created a religion that oversees the followers.

A “religious” Christian is like Pinocchio, a puppet manipulated by strings. The strings are all the rules, traditions, and obligations. Yet, God can cut your strings, and the Holy Spirit will fill you with His presence, making you truly alive and free.


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Prisoner of Fallacy

prisoner of fallacy

I was twelve years old when my mom married my second stepfather. I still remember his mother telling him he was going to hell because he divorced his first wife. That was over 40 years ago and my stepfather, now in his 80’s, still carries around the guilt piled onto him by his devout Catholic mother. He is a prisoner of that guilt. He is a prisoner by holding onto falseness that he believes just might be true. Whether you call yourself Christian or not, you may be a prisoner of lies – for lies are like shackles on our hearts and minds, hindering us from truly experiencing life.

We are all prisoners of the lies we believe to be truth. The most dreadful prison is the one where you don’t realize you are a prisoner. Did you ever see the movie The Matrix? People were prisoners without knowing it. So it can be with us. We can only be free, free to make choices based on truth, when we know the truth.

As Paul warned, “See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.” (Colossians 2:8)


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Healing the Pain of Sexual Abuse

healing the pain of sexual abuse

My first stepfather sexually abused me when I was 7 years old. A typical situation, I suppose – he threatened harm if I told anyone. Fortunately, there were other problems with the marriage, and my mom divorced him after only a year together. But we all had scars from that experience.

My scars fed my strong desire for revenge. As I grew older and came to understand what he had done to me, I grew angrier. In my late teens, I fantasized about running into him someday. I planned each move, the first being a fully energized kick square in the source of my suffering, sending him to his knees. There were times when I even dreamed of killing him. The hate was strong and painful.

About 20 years later, I met Jesus Christ and He started teaching me about love and forgiveness. It’s taken me a long time to learn the lesson, but I finally let go of the hate. I wholeheartedly forgive my stepfather. I feel sorry for him, for he was a very troubled person. And I’m now free of my own troubles – free from the pain of hate and memories, freed by forgiveness. Thanks to the love and forgiveness of Jesus.