CJ Penn's Online Writing Hangout

The reason I write: To promote Christian truth and help Jesus get His Christianity back.

Tag Archives: Personal


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Book Challenge Day #38 – Back in the Saddle Again

This blog, and my personal book challenge, has been very quiet for the past few weeks. I’ve been traveling for three weeks, and though I had hoped to find lots of time for writing and blogging, there was actually very little. I made almost no progress on the book. But I’m not worried… yet.

You see, whenever I do find time to write, and as long as I am able to quiet my mind and focus on the Spirit of Jesus within me, the writing just happens. I focus on Jesus and the words seem to flow through my hand and into my notebook. This morning I effortlessly finished the first draft of chapter 4 – thirteen more chapters to go.

So now that I’m back home and into my familiar writing space and daily routine, it feels like I’m “back in the saddle again.” And I hope to continue to blog about my experience with this personal writing challenge. The highs and lows – they’re out there, waiting for me to reach them.

I think challenges are good in how they stretch us and help us grow. How might I grow through my book writing challenge? It will be fun to find out, and maybe at times a bit painful. Stay tuned.

 

(August 23, 2015: day 37 down, 56 more to go, of The Challenge… to write a book, from concept to self-publish, in 3 months.)


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Book Challenge Day #11 – This is not my book project

ghost writer

I’m writing this post just to remind myself this is not my book challenge project. As I believe the idea came from the Spirit of Jesus within, I want to remember not to try to wrestle control from Him. My ego, of course, will want control. My ego will want to make a certain amount of progress each day, gain a certain number of new followers interested in the challenge, and make sure the book is actually published by the October 17th deadline.

But I must remember, this is not my book project. It’s God’s. The daily progress isn’t important. The number of people who follow the project isn’t important (though the people themselves are very important – I just felt like adding that), and the deadline isn’t important.

What’s important with how I deal with this book challenge is the same thing that’s most important with the everyday challenge of dealing with life… my focus on God. As long as I keep my heart, mind, and soul focused on God within me, all is just right. The book challenge is not my purpose; it’s just an outcome of my purpose, which is to live with the Spirit of Jesus living through me.

 

(July 27, 2015: day 10 down, 83 more to go, of The Challenge… to write a book, from concept to self-publish, in 3 months.)


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Book Challenge Day #8 – Follow the Bouncing Ball

bouncing balls

The only time I have to write is early morning, yet it can be the worst time. My mind is so scattered in the morning. Oh, things begin to come into focus as the coffee takes hold, but my mind still tends to bounce from one thought to another, just more slowly. It’s like a super-ball hurled to the garage floor, bouncing around so fast it’s hard to keep your eyes on it, but slowing a bit over time. Such is my morning mind.

Well, the coffee cup is empty now. My mind is able to spend more time focused on the loving Spirit of Jesus within me. And He’s helping me, tugging on my thoughts, keeping them from bouncing too far away again. So now I’ll open my notebook and see what grows out of my pen. Will there be progress with my book challenge this morning? Stay tuned…

 

… I’m back, an hour later. It’s amazing what can happen when I step on the bouncing ball of my thoughts and focus on Jesus. I just finished the first draft of the first chapter. And though it’s still rough, I like the tone that’s being set.

It always happens this way when I’m writing. The best stuff grows out of my pen and crawls across the pages of my notebook only when my thoughts are set on Jesus within me, when He is writing with me. And I’m so grateful.

 

(July 24, 2015: day 7 down, 86 more to go, of The Challenge… to write a book, from concept to self-publish, in 3 months.)


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The Barrier of Life

Prison wall

Life often feels like a barrier between God and me.

The distractions that battle for my attention block my view of Jesus.

Even though His Spirit is always here with me,

within me, so close to me …

I often cannot see Him or feel His presence.

Life is ever hungry, craving every thought.

Yet I’m hungry too.

I hunger and thirst for Jesus,

for a sense of His companionship,

His presence.

I’m sometimes torn in two.

Part of me despises life and it’s struggle for my full attention,

it’s battle against my love of Jesus.

But the other part of me is so grateful for life.

I cannot fully appreciate something unless I’ve first lived without it.

Yes, for now life is a barrier between God and me.

But when that barrier is gone, and my fuzzy view of Jesus comes into bright focus,

my heart will burst with love and gratitude.

And my dammed up tears of joy will finally flow as a river.

This mortal life and all it’s struggles,

will help me appreciate life with God so much more.


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Book Challenge Day #6 – Still on the Foundation

ghost writer

I made some good progress this morning on the foundation of my 3-month-to-publish book idea. The story is historical fiction, writing in a first-person narrative style. The outline is almost finished, with the flow of the story and the chapters defined.

My progress this morning started with a prayer. As with most of my mornings, it can be hard to clear my cluttered head of the junk that fills my life, and focus my mind on the Spirit of Jesus within me. But for some reason, this morning was easier. I think it was because I felt frustrated with myself, and my own cluttered mind. So I mentally grabbed a large broom and vigorously swept all that clutter out of the way so I could clearly see Jesus. And it worked.

Oh how I cherish those moments when I feel really close to Jesus, within me. I found such a moment this morning. And in that moment, Jesus gave me an image of what I could do with the book idea. So I opened my eyes and started writing. And I’ll start all over again tomorrow morning.

 

(July 22, 2015: day 6 down, 88 more to go, of The Challenge… to write a book, from concept to self-publish, in 3 months.)


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Book Challenge Day #5 – Fuzzy

ghost writer

Day 4 (yesterday) was lost to my busyness. No progress. Barely a thought given to this book I’m trying to write and publish in 3 months.

Day 5 is starting with a fuzzy mind. Yet there is progress this morning. I’ve loosely defined all the chapters. The outline is beginning to firm up. Yet I’m feeling itchy to actually start writing.

By the way, most of my progress will happen in the mornings. With my full-time job, the early morning is the only writing time I have. And evenings are usually sacrificed to fatigue from a busy day. My shortage of available writing time adds to the challenge.

But since I’m convinced that God gave me this book idea, I have faith that He will see this book get written. Will it be published within 3 months, according to the personal challenge I’ve given myself? I would like to give that one to God, and not be concerned about it. But I won’t fool myself – I’m sure there are days ahead of me when I will severely stress about my self-imposed deadline. Yet this is just another reason to rely on God to help write this book.

 

(July 21, 2015: day 4 down, 89 more to go, of The Challenge… to write a book, from concept to self-publish, in 3 months.)


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Book Challenge Day #3 – Stressed

Currently in a hotel room, going to a wedding this evening. And this is my first post thumbed out on my iPhone. So please pardon the typos.

A crazy full weekend. But that’s not really the source of the stress I’m referring to in the title of this post. Yet it’s a factor. You see, God keeps painting a panoramic picture of the book He’s inspired me to write. Even the details are coming clearly into focus. And some of the dialog as well.

Anyway, my stress is coming from the fact that this weekend I have no time to do anything with all these images and ideas filling my head. And as is my nature, I tend to be impatient. With so much of the book so clearly shown to me, I want to start writing it now!

Patience CJ. And thank you so much Lord for overwhelming me with your generous gift of this exciting and challenging book project.

See ya tomorrow. CJ


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Wading Through the Rubble of my Mind

cluttered mind

Each morning, with coffee in hand, I take my precious quiet time and seek God, within me. I sit in my rustic garage corner-office/storage-room, sometimes reading the daily devotional in Jesus Calling, sometimes reading my bible, but always trying to focus my mind on Jesus and God.

Yet, every morning before I can find my way to God, I need to wade my way through the trash and rubble that clogs my mind. I need to clear a path to God, through thoughts about work, home projects, personal challenges, and often-meaningless distractions. Some mornings, my minds rubble piles up high and deep, and it can be rough going, bouncing from one distraction to the next. But if I patiently keep digging, I eventually break through the rubble and … there’s God, always waiting for me.

And I’m so grateful.


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I Can’t Trust Myself

trust myself - cant

Yesterday I wrote a post where I used a story a friend had told me. But I made a mistake in that in citing the story, I got the facts wrong. And I got them wrong in a way that hurt my close friend. I’ve been thinking and praying a lot about this since yesterday. It all reminds me that I can’t always trust myself. I can’t trust my thoughts, my ideas, my mind. Left to myself, too often I’ll get something wrong.

This morning, while praying about this and asking Jesus to help me, He gently reminded me to just trust Him. As Jesus said, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.” (John 14:1) It occurred to me that He didn’t say, “Trust yourself; trust also in God and me.” Jesus is telling me to put all my trust in Him and our Father. He’s telling me to put no trust in myself. I like this – it makes me feel better.

As I can’t trust myself and my own mind, my hearts desire is to surrender my mind to the Spirit of Jesus within me, and let Him control my thoughts, my ideas, and my mind. It’s definitely not easy, especially for me. But there’s a promise along the path of this journey of surrendering my mind to Jesus. As Paul said, “… the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.” (Romans 8:6)

And I’m so grateful.


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I Need More Than Coffee

coffee cup

Morning coffee,

as strong as I can make it without the grounds spilling out of the basket.

Just enough milk to smooth out the bitter, but not dilute the strong flavor.

My mind slowly wakes and comes into focus.

But it’s not enough.

Today, everyday, I need more than coffee.

The coffee clears my mind.

But my soul, my feelings, still feel fuzzy and confused.

I feel a bit dark, though not like my coffee – that’s a good dark.

I feel a bit bleak, a little depressed, slightly purposeless.

Coffee alone doesn’t help.

I need God.

It’s hard to sweep away the clouds and distractions of life.

It’s hard to sometimes see God through the clutter in my mind.

But He’s there, just beyond the clutter, always waiting for me.

It takes time, it takes emptiness, it takes some sweeping of my mind to see God.

Yet when I wade my way though my messy thoughts,

and put the stuff of life behind me,

God greets me with a warm bear hug.

He hugs my soul. And the clouds lift.

There is no better way to start the day.

And I’m so grateful.


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Heaven on Earth

heaven on earth

The other day I wrote about Hell within the Church (see it here). Much of life down here in this pain-filled pit of humanity can often feel like hell. But we’re not alone down here in this pit. Even while up to our knees in muck, we can find joy from within. We can find heaven down here in this pit of daily suffering.

Heaven on Earth – paradise in the middle of our mortal turmoil is available to all. And you can find heaven right inside yourself; it’s the Holy Spirit living within you. Heaven is the Holy Spirit of God and Jesus, sharing this life with you. And this relationship is available to all of us. This is THE truth that will set you free.


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Same-sex Marriage – Allowed by God

Supreme court gay marriage

My opinion about same-sex marriage has no meaning and doesn’t matter. But since I’ve posted some thoughts that attracted a little attention (see it here), I feel the need to add some clarification about my beliefs and opinion.

First: God’s opinion is what counts in my life, far more than my opinion. And God’s opinion is that same-sex marriage, and homosexuality, is wrong. Just like all sins. In God’s eyes, the only difference between a homosexual and me is the nature of our sins.

Second: no matter what God thinks about homosexuality as a life style, He still loves homosexuals as people. Just like all sinners.

Third: just because God loves homosexuals, doesn’t mean that God will save homosexuals and bring them to heaven in the end. Like all us sinners, salvation requires we have true faith in God and Jesus and that we repent of our sins (i.e., express sincere sorrow for our sins and ask for forgiveness). And homosexuals have the same ability to have faith and repent as I do. For just because we believe and repent does not mean that we magically stop sinning. My life is proof of that.

Finally: regarding the Supreme Court decision to legalize same-sex marriage, though I don’t think it is the Supreme Court’s responsibility to make such decisions, I also don’t think it’s any of our responsibilities to deny freedom of choice. God has given us all the freedom to make our own decisions about how we will live our lives. If someone decides that they are in their heart a homosexual, and they fall in love with someone of the same sex and, like most people truly in love, they want to get married – well, I don’t think any of us other sinners have the right to take that freedom of choice away from them.

Yet again, though God gives us freedom of choice, allowing for things like same-sex marriage, He still does not condone such acts. This tells us a lot about God – our compassionate and understanding parent.


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Feeling Disconnected from God

reaching out to God

I have a Facebook friend whom I’ve never met, who recently posted this question to my FB page: “I haven’t been to church in 2 months and feel very disconnected from God. I’ve talked to my Pastor who says this is normal and all Christians go through this at some point or another. Any suggestions?”

Wow! As I read this, I felt a surge of nervousness rise up within me. Though I enjoy posting my personal experiences and such on my blog, I don’t feel qualified to give individual and personal advice. But my FB friend was asking for help. And I felt I should do my best to honor their request. So, this is what I said…

“I went through the same thing. So many doubts. My only suggestion is to find as much quiet time as you can to pray and try to feel the very presence of God within your self. This is what I did, and try to do every day. And when I find and truly feel the presence of the Holy Spirit within me – well, it’s the peace that goes beyond human understanding, that Jesus promised us. Yet for me, it seemed to take a long time to feel the Spirits presence; I tend to be a slow learner. But be persistent and never give up, as Jesus encouraged us to be.”

In looking back on this advice, which is not really advice from me but from Jesus, I believe it’s good everyday advice for all of us.

Do you feel disconnected from God? Follow Jesus’ advice, and seek Him with all your heart. And you will find Him there, within you.


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The Wall

prison wall 2

All the surveys find the same thing: Christians are leaving church. Some surveys report that millions of Christians stop attending church each year. These people aren’t leaving Christianity; they’re just leaving whatever church they used to attend.

Yet something is driving people away. The surveys speak to that as well, giving several reasons why people leave the church. But it all simmers down to this: people are leaving because of a lack of truth within the church. The messages in some churches have drifted away from the truth of Jesus Christ. And what is preached is either a false Christianity, or no Christianity at all.

These false messages are like large stones in a prison wall, mortared together by pride, holding captive unwary believers. Yet as the surveys show, many climb over the wall and escape. But wounds remain.

Most church refugees I know, including me, carry wounds from their experience behind the prison wall of false Christianity. Healing comes from true Christianity, an intimate relationship with the One who heals all… Jesus Christ. A relationship given to us, and living with us, by His Spirit within us.

Did you crash into the wall and come away wounded? A while back I started a Facebook group with the hope that it would help provide healing for other wounded Christians … For Wounded Christians – A Place for Healing. Yet I now realize that no Facebook group can provide the healing we need. Only a personal relationship with the Holy Spirit can do that.


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Feeling Lost

confusion

I just finished revision 12 of the book I’m writing. I usually feel excited when I finish a revision, but not this time. I think it’s because the book finally feels done. By done I mean that the content is finished. Yet it still needs a good editing for grammar and all that mechanical stuff.

But now that the book feels so close to being finished, I’m feeling a bit lost. I don’t know what to do next. Oh, this morning I messed around with the book proposal a bit – yes, I’ve decided to first try the traditional publishing route. Also, I recently submitted my first query letter to a literary agency. But I currently don’t feel the energy I have when I’m working on the actual book.

Maybe I just need a break to re-charge. But I don’t want to take a break. Even though I don’t feel much energy right now, I still have a driving passion to get this book into the hands of as many people as possible. I believe this book has the power to heal troubled hearts.

Are you a writer who has walked a similar path? Have you ever felt lost while in the middle of a book project? Do you feel that way now?


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Welcomed Home… Every Time

prodigal son

Here I sit in my man-cave office – actually, mixture of storage room, cluttered desk, and dust. But it’s my quiet space, isolated from distractions, where I have some of my best one-on-one time with God. This morning is like every morning… coffee in hand and God on my mind, and in my heart. Today I look back over my shoulder at yesterday.

Reflection… looking back I see that yesterday was like most days. More than once, I turned my back on God and abandoned Him. It may seem like nothing, just a typical reaction to life. Like getting consumed by a project at work and venting a bit of frustration at a co-worker. But in that moment, I can’t see God, for my back is to Him.

Yet every time I turn around, there He is. And like the father of the prodigal son, God does more than patiently wait for me to come back to Him. As soon as He sees me turn around, He runs to me, wraps His arms around me, and welcomes me home. Every time. Such is His love for all of us. And I’m so grateful.


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His Hands With Mine

ghost writer

Haven’t been blogging lately. Been too busy working on the book I’m writing with God. I know that might sound weird to you, but that’s the way it feels to me. And for me, there’s no other way to write, as I’m not by nature a writer. So I pray as I write, often spending more time with my eyes closed than with my fingers on the keyboard. Okay, so progress seems slow – just a good test for my natural impatience.

Anyway, I just felt like checking in with my blog today. And I want express my gratitude to God for having His hands on the keyboard along with mine.


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The Approaching Stress Cloud

storm cloud

5:30am – an hour to go before the call. No big deal. Just an early morning work conference call, where I’ll be giving a presentation. But for my co-workers and me, this is a big presentation. I want it to go well. And so my tendency would be to get stressed out. But I don’t want stress. Stress would hog the next hour and keep me from doing what I want to be doing – writing.

So I pray to the Holy Spirit of Jesus within me, and this is what came into my mind: “The presentation doesn’t matter. It’s purely worldly and has no value. What matters is relationships, and love.”

As the reality of this truth settled into my mind, the approaching stress-cloud melted away. And I’m so grateful.


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Another Day in the Parking Lot

parking lot

Another lunch hour when I’m able to free myself from the hungry grip of work and grap some time alone. But not really alone. I drove to the nearby office park with the half-empty parking lot. My usual tree-shaded parking space is open. It takes a few minutes to quiet my mind and flush out all the work noise. But soon, here comes the Holy Spirit into my thoughts, here to share my lunch with me, and my writing time. I enjoy taking these writing breaks in the middle of my workday, when I can.

Oh, here come those two women who like to walk the loop around this large parking lot. The dark-haired one is doing the talking, as usual. And she’s whining again about something. She’s always whining, at least every time I see her. I feel sorry for her. She seems to have so much to complain about.

Dear Jesus, please help the dark-haired woman find peace. Please help her find freedom from complaining. I suspect you won’t remove her problems, the things she likes to complain about. But she could find true joy in the freedom that comes from letting go of her problems.

Lord, you’ve opened my eyes to this freedom and joy. Oh, I still complain, but not as much as I used to, before I let you into my heart. Thank you for coming in and healing my self-inflicted wounds. I’m so grateful.


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Working for God

My hearts desire is to write, but I’m stuck in my engineering job, shoveling stress and trying to cope with corporate “junk.” Sometimes I fail and let the stress consume me – I just can’t shovel as fast as they pile it on.

Many times I’ve asked God, “Why am I here? I look for meaning in my job, but can’t find anything that matters. I feel like I’m wasting so much time of my brief life. Why am I at this meaningless job when my hearts desire is to surrender to You and devote all my time doing whatever you want me to do? Well, I guess you want me in this job.”

Today I was thinking, what can I do for God while in my “meaningless” job. Well, I could try to find joy in every moment, knowing and trusting that in that moment, I’m where God wants me to be. I could strive to be like Brother Lawrence, who found joy and peace in everything he did, because he was always in the presence of God.

Then it hit me: maybe the reason I’m in my meaningless job is because my feelings about the job make me crave more closeness with God and Jesus. If I didn’t have a stress-pit of a job, I would not be so hungry for the presence of Jesus in my life. The more stressful the job, the more I look for Jesus to help me. I think I’m now sincerely grateful for my job, and for more than just the financial security, which I’m always grateful for.

I know I’m weak and this joyful feeling may be fleeting, but I sure am grateful for my time with the Spirit of God and Jesus, no matter what I’m doing.