I filled the first part of my life with self-directed efforts to get control and improve myself. I continuously listened to self-help tape programs by such people as Earl Nightingale, Dale Carnegie, and Tony Robbins. I wasn’t satisfied with the type of person I was, so I looked to these people to help me get control of my life.
I’m now at a weird place, a place I never thought I’d be. Now, I don’t want control. Control is too stressful… things don’t always go my way. Control is a burden… too much responsibility. So now, I daily pray for God to take full control of my life. I just want to sit back, relax, and follow God’s lead.
Some days are relaxing in this way, no matter what chaos is going on around me, but not all. I’m still a work in progress, daily striving to give up control… to God. And I’m so grateful that He’s patient with me.
The book I’m writing has been incubating for almost 3 months – that’s how long it’s been since I finished revision 10. While praying yesterday, it came to me that the Holy Spirit within me is now ready to start working on rev 11. At least, this is what I believe, and hope. When I think the Spirit of Jesus is speaking to me, sometimes I’m not sure. Sometimes I think these ideas come into my mind just because that’s what I desire.
I have hopes for this book; hopes that over time the truths within the book will touch and heal the hearts of many people. But I also hope that whatever path the book takes is the path defined by Jesus. His will be done, not mine.
No matter where it goes from here, today I start working on rev 11, because I believe this is what God wants me to do. How will I know if I’m following God’s will and not just my own? I think the outcome will be my answer. Wherever this book ends up will tell me which path I followed.
Ever hungry for more knowledge of the truth and nature of my relationship with God, I read books. Brother Lawrence, Andrew Murray, A.W. Tozer, C.S. Lewis, and William Law – these are the guides I’ve been following. And great guides they have been, bringing me a long way over rocky ground, guided themselves by their own relationship with God.
But a shattering truth blinded my mind this morning. As I again opened yet another book, looking forward to finding words that would help strengthen my relationship with the Holy Spirit within me, He burned these words into my mind: it’s not the words of man that will open my mind and heart to His love and nearness, but only Him.
If I really desire an ever-growing relationship with God, instead of engaging my mind in the words of man, I will silence and open my mind to His Spirit within.
I closed the book, closed my eyes, and opened my heart and mind to the Holy Spirit. I encourage you to do the same.
I was having an email chat with a friend, and they asked me my story. I decided to share my answer with anyone one else who might be curious. Very briefly, here it is…
I waffled between agnostic and atheist during the first half of my life. Periodically I felt an interest in learning more about this person called Jesus. I even read a bit of the bible while in college. But it didn’t go beyond a weak interest. Then, in my thirty-something years, my interest started to grow. I started going to church.
I ended up helping lead our church youth group, where I grew much stronger in my relationship with God, and my interest became a hunger. Eventually, church started feeling uncomfortable to me, yet I didn’t know why. Though it was a hard decision for me, preceded by lots of conversations with God, I left that church.
I tried several other churches, but I never felt “called” to stick with any of them. I’m still not sure why, but I haven’t attended a Christian church for over 4 years. All I want to do is God’s will, yet so far it appears His will does not include me attending a church. Yet, thanks to my continued hunger and thirst for God, the amount of personal one-on-one time I spend with God, and His love and grace, I feel closer to God, Jesus, and their Spirit than ever in my life. And it didn’t require any kind of manmade religious structure or personal effort. All it took was desire on my part (I consider desire as faith that’s ready for action), and God did the rest. And I’m so grateful.
I want to post something today, but my mind is foggy with this cold and runny nose, and I can’t think of anything to say. Well, maybe if my mind isn’t able to come up with anything meaningful or helpful, I’ll offer this time solely to the Holy Spirit within me. What does He want to say to you, through me?
…
I give up. In addition to fogginess, I think I’m currently suffering from Spiritual Attention Deficit Disorder (SADD). I can’t focus. Do you ever suffer from SADD? Wow, I am slow this morning; I just saw how “sad” that condition is.
Well, I don’t think suffering from SADD is anything to be ashamed of. Jesus knows how hard it is to be human in this world full of distractions. All He desires is for us to turn back to Him when our mind is finished wandering the worldly wilderness. And like the father in the story of the prodigal son, Jesus is always there, waiting for our attention to return to Him. And I’m so grateful.
Being New Years Eve morning, I found myself thinking about resolutions for 2015. I’ve been big on creating long lists of resolutions in the past. This year, just one item is on my list…
As John the Baptist said, “He must become greater, I must become less.” (John 3:30)
My resolution, my hope and trust for 2015 is that the Holy Spirit of Jesus will become greater within me, and my “self” will become less. As Jesus continues to fill me with His Spirit, my selfish and self-centered self will become less of who CJ Penn is. And I’m so grateful.
I wish you all a great New Year, and hope that you too will find yourself filled with the Holy Spirit of our savior, Jesus.
I was 500 miles away when my phone rang at 4:00am. My brothers girlfriend, weeping and hysterical, was telling me something, though I couldn’t understand a word she said between the gasps. Yet I knew. No more pain for my brother.
He had called me seven months earlier. We hadn’t seen each other for over 25 years, mainly because we didn’t hang out in the same places. He spent most of his time in prison.
He called to tell me he had lung cancer, and he needed me. I didn’t want to go, but he had no one else, and something inside me said… go.
During the next seven months, I spent a lot of time with my brother. Right after the first surgery, when they removed the tumors, the nurse called me into the recovery room to help calm my brother. He was sitting up in the bed, tubes and wires hanging off his tattoo-covered body, and loudly complaining about pain. I was amazed to see him actually sitting, just minutes after waking up from lung surgery. I went to the side of the bed, he looked up at me, leaned his head on my chest, and he fell asleep. I put my arm around his shoulder and just stood there, holding him steady. The nurse was grateful. I was uncomfortable.
I never wanted to get involved. Every time I went to see him, it was with reluctance. I’m not a natural at the nurturing and compassion thing. As the chemo cocktail dripped into his veins, I’d sit there, stealing glances at my watch, looking for a chance to excuse myself and leave. My hugs were not always sincere.
But this is what I learned: how I felt didn’t matter. It wasn’t about me. I may have been reluctant with each visit and phone call, but it was all for my brother. Even though my love was not true, my brother still felt loved. And it was good for him. He never hesitated to say “I love you.” Maybe he felt compassion from me that he hadn’t felt for a long time – you don’t get much in prison.
Here’s another thought that just hit me: maybe the love my brother felt wasn’t really from me, but was from Jesus within me. When I can’t bring myself to sincerely love, Jesus can love through me. And I’m so grateful.
I put up barriers. Stress, anxiety, fretting about tomorrow, fretting about days after tomorrow, fretting about my fretting. These are my barriers, self-made walls of worry and self-centered distraction, rising up between me and the Holy Spirit within. Yet my barriers do more that separate me from God; they also barricade me from people I love. All my relationships suffer from my barriers.
I got up early this morning (early for a Sunday anyway). It was still dark outside. I went to bed early last night, after falling asleep in front of the TV… around 8 o’clock. No longer the Saturday night partier I once was.
All quiet in the pre-dawn house, with hot coffee warming my hands – I sat on my napping-couch, closed my eyes, and poured out my frets to God, within me. I felt the wall, tall and seemingly strong. Yet not strong enough.
With every thought that touched upon the Holy Spirit within, another block fell from the wall. And soon it was gone. The Holy Spirit and I are now fully face-to-face, within this soul of mine.
I’ll build the wall again. Happens every day. And I’m so grateful that God is always happy to help me tear it down.
By reading my complaints about my flawed humanity in many of my blog posts, you might think I’m a miserable person. Well, I’m not.
It seems that most of the time, my life is dominated by my relationship with God, Jesus, and their Spirit who shares my life with me. By the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life, I have found true meaning, peace, excitement, and love. Life has never been better.
Yet I’m grateful for the flaws of my human nature: my pride and selfishness, my anxiety and worry, my anger, my natural temptations. For whenever my flaws capture my present, they remind me of how much I need God. Yes, my flaws may make me miserable while in the midst of them. But God has taught me to use my flaws, to steer my mind back to Him. And I’m grateful.
This writing gig gets me all confused and stressed out. To self-publish my book, or chase after a traditional publisher? To try to lure an agent, or not? Should I even bother trying to publish? How to attract followers to this blog? How to increase page hits? Should I even bother trying to attract followers, or instead focus on a simpler motive for writing blog posts?
Today is a typical morning for me; my mind is a jumble of random thoughts and questions, all in search of a purpose and direction. And in the middle of this mess is my selfish beast, wanting it all MY way.
Some mornings I get bogged down in the muck of my own self-centeredness. But today I was lifted out of this muddy pit and set down on the higher ground of solid humility. Of course, the Holy Spirit within me did the lifting.
Now, the stress and confusion are gone. My only desire is to be hands and feet for God.
Dear Lord, dear Spirit who shares this body of mine, I am yours. These hands are yours, resting on this keyboard. This mind is yours. My heart and soul are yours. Why? Because of love. I love you so much dear Spirit of Jesus. You’ve given me life. You’ve given me purpose. You’ve given me love beyond understanding. Please help me to not waste your gift of love. You came for me… I’m here for you.
Pride is my self-imposed prison. Pride ties me up with strict rules and expectations. Pride wraps me in a straightjacket of stress when things don’t go MY way. Pride pushes my heart, soul, and mind to me, rather than God.
Pride is misery.
Yet Jesus has set me free from my prison. He has opened the door and shown me the path to humility… and love… and others… and our Father. There are still traces of pride clinging to me, but it’s not the prison it once was.
And the Holy Spirit within holds onto me, stopping me from returning to my familiar prison cell. And I’m so grateful.
Six years! That’s how long, so far, I’ve been working on writing my first book. And finally, it’s about ready to publish. Friends ask me if it’s finished. I say yes, but it never feels finished. I feel I could forever tinker with it. But for now, the tinkering is over. I believe God is telling me to jump out of my boat and take the next big step in this journey with Him… start submitting the book to publishers.
I could self-publish of course. That would be easy. But there’s not much about this six year journey that has been easy for me, so why start now. And besides, something tells me God wants me to first try traditional publishing.
So the first thing I’m going to do is submit a proposal through the Christian Manuscript Submission (CMS) website. It seems like a cool way to get the book proposal in front of many different publishers.
Do any of you have experience with CMS? I could really use some advice.
Over the past several months, many people have commented on the brevity of my posts. It seems that they find fewer words are more powerful and helpful. So I thought I’d share with you two things that inspire my pithy writing.
First is the book “On Writing Well,” by William Zinsser, where he stresses the benefits of brevity.
Yet for me, my most important inspiration comes from God… “The more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit anyone?” (Ecclesiastes 6:11)
If you’re wondering, this is the right place. Actually, the “right” place is a matter of opinion, which I leave to you. But this is likely the place you were expecting to land with your last mouse click. I just decided to change the look of the blog site.
It’s been over six years since I started this blog, and I felt it was time for a wardrobe change. And in a way, it’s symbolic of some changes in me…
When I first starting writing in this blog, those six years ago, I believe I still held onto anger towards churches that abuse the truth of Jesus Christ, and I let that anger spill onto the keyboard. Well, maybe wisdom comes with age, for I no longer want to fill my posts with acquisitions, even if based on absolute truth.
All I want to do now is write about the truth of Jesus Christ, and that means letting His love spill onto the keyboard while I write. For me, it’s a new look, and I like it.
This morning while praying, it became clear and obvious to me that I too am a wounded Christian. Why else would I sometimes be angry at certain churches and their behavior? My anger has it roots somewhere, and it must be in past wounds.
This morning I was wondering how the Holy Spirit within me feels about all this. Also, how can I let go of my anger?
I suspect God may also get angry at certain church behavior. But God’s anger does not affect His love. Like any good parent, no matter how bad the behavior, God still loves His children. That sense of God’s love for churches that cause me anger actually helps me begin to let go of the anger and take hold of the love. With the Spirit of God within me, He can love through me. I now know that I can feel sincere love for those who had hurt and angered me. For me, it may just take a little more time, to let go of my anger, and take hold of God’s love.
Are you a wounded Christian, carrying scars inflicted by churches or other Christians? Please consider joining the Facebook Group, For Wounded Christians – A Place for Healing, where you can share your feelings, your stories, your healing.
May God bless us all with His overflowing love, which washes away all bad feelings.
I’ve noticed while reading my Jesus Calling devotional lately, that over the past few days the topic has been thankfulness. No coincidence by Sarah Young, with the US Thanksgiving holiday during the end of November. So this morning, while chatting/praying with Jesus, I said thanks for the many things I’m grateful for.
My wife, my sons, my daughter in law, my youngest son’s terrific girlfriend of many years (someday they’ll get married), my sisters and brothers, nieces and nephews, mom and stepfather, all my family, and all my friends. I’m so grateful for all these relationships.
As I gave Jesus thanks for each of these people in my life, I was almost ashamed that the last relationship to come to mind is my relationship with Him. Without Jesus in my life, all my other relationships would be flawed and frail.
Jesus adds sugar to my relationships. He gives me energy, compassion, and sincere love for the people in my life. It just occurred to me… if you have relationships that are suffering; maybe first nurture your relationship with Jesus. He will then help you heal and strengthen your other relationships.
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving, no matter where on this earthly home you live.
In the years I’ve spent on this blog site, surfing other peoples blog sites, and in my life outside the cyber-world, I’ve met many wounded Christians. The wounds come from churches. The wounds may come from other Christians. Or the wounds may come from inside themselves, from false ideas they believe to be true. There is no blame or guilt in all this – it’s just a result of people being normal, broken, sinful & prideful human beings.
I recently stepped out of my boat and ventured into Facebook land. It’s an interesting place. I discovered Facebook groups. I have since been inspired to start a group for wounded Christians. I just hope the inspiration came from God and not me.
This group is for sharing personal stories of suffering and confusion. Sharing stories may help others; by showing them they are not alone. Most importantly, this group is for sharing stories of healing. And this group is about sharing the truth of Jesus Christ. For it is His truth that will answer questions. It is His truth that will heal wounds. It is His truth that will set you free from pain, suffering, confusion, guilt, and many other manmade maladies.
A friend of mine described this Facebook group as “A wonderful group for those of you who love God but have been wounded by His people.”
About five years ago I wrote a post about my dad’s experience when he decided to join the Catholic Church of my stepmother. He first had to sign some Catholic documents resulting in the annulment of his marriage to my mom. From what I heard, the church had to erase the sin of his divorce before they would accept him into the church.
I admit I was a bit upset by the episode and I wasn’t very kind to the Catholic Church in the words I posted. Over the years, many people have commented on that post, and it’s clear that I caused them pain. Another such comment showed up today. And I’ve finally come to realize that it’s time I apologize.
So to all Catholics, I sincerely apologize for my harsh words of five years ago.
All I was trying to do was testify to the truth of Jesus. And the truth is, Jesus forgave my father’s sin of divorce. More than forgive, Jesus and God have effectively forgotten my father’s divorce.
As God said, “I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” (Hebrews 8:12)
And as Paul said in his definition of love, “Love … keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:5) As God is love, God keeps no record of wrongs.
Forgive and forget. What a great way to live, for all of us. It’s just not easy.
My wife and I shared in a wedding celebration last night. The young man and woman who got married are best friends with my youngest son. They are all part of a “gang” of ex-band “kids” who have known each other since being thrown together in 7th grade band, and many have known each other since kindergarten.
Since graduating from high school over six years ago, the members of the band gang have all gone in different directions. So last night was a reunion. And what stood out for me was the strength of their relationships. As the mother of the groom said to me this morning, love filled that banquet room last night.
This morning, while enjoying the memory of last nights fun, my mind kept going back to the band gang and the power of their lasting friendships. It then occurred to me – life is all about relationships. It’s not about things, or accomplishments. Without meaningful relationships of love, life is meaningless.
And our most important relationship is with God… our relationship that nurtures all the rest.
CJ Penn's Online Writing Hangout 